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Simon Sez Reviews
Unbelievably bad but not because of Rodman.
"Simon Sez" no matter how starved you are for something to watch, there has to be a better option than this dreadfully misguided action thriller. Bring in The Flamin' Medallion Of True Terrible-Ness. Characters: 0/5 Story: 0/5 Acting: 0/5 Special Effects: 0/5 Direction: 0/5 Cinematography: 0/5 Soundtrack: 0/5 Overall: 0/5
OH, JESUS F***! This movie should have never been made. No matter how starved you are for somethin' to watch, there's gotta be a better option than this flop. For starters, Dennis Rodman may be good at basketball, but on film, he's just a one-trick pony. And if he actually made a profit, Rodman ain't gettin' nothin'. After a token fast break in theaters, "Simon Sez" just dribbled over to video stores. But Simon says "Avoid this misguided 'Die Hard' knock-off." For experts, just avoid this. IMO, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, should avoid this ultra depressed thriller that tries, and fails, to be James Bond. You want spy films? Watch 007 movies, nothin' wrong with that.
another so bad it's good classic
This is so colossally awful you'd think it was one of those "films within a film" that's intentionally supposed to look awful. Dennis Rodman is so bad it sounds like English is not his first language. A complete failure across the board.
Former CIA agent "Simon" ("The Worm" Dennis Rodman) is living in France minding his own business when a guy claiming to be a former classmate in a CIA training class shows up. "Simon" doesn't recall who this guy named "Nick Maranda" (Dane Cook) is. "Miranda" is there to deliver a $2-million ransom for the kidnapped daughter of a businessman (Clayton Day). But the deal explodes in his face, and "Simon" has to use his hand-to-hand battle skills to get them out of there. After escaping, they run into a beautiful blond (Emma Sjoberg) with martial arts skills that are pretty much equal to "Simon's". She also wants the suitcase, and it is pretty obvious that she and "Simon" has a past together. Back at "Simon's" place, he and "Miranda" discover that the suitcase is actually filled with two heavy metal bricks and a computer disc. The two take the disc to "Simon's" secret base under a French monastery where two computer experts disguised as monks (John Pinette, Ricky Harris) try to decode the encripted program on the disc. "Simon" and "Miranda" then go after the daughter (Natalia Cigliuti), who is in love with the son of the kidnapper. And she doesn't even know that she is being held for ransom. Now, "Simon", "Miranda" and at least one unlikely ally join forces to get the girl back. Let me tell you something that will be painfully obvious with the first few minutes of the movie -- Rodman is the best actor in the entire cast, except for maybe Sjoberg. The problem is that the supporting cast just tries too hard to get a laugh from the audience, and their jokes just bomb. The lead villain is completely insane -- and not in a good way. He is over-the-top and not a good villain. And the reason he wants the disc is really lame -- he wants to destroy a famed French landmark because he is sick of looking at it. The other thing that makes this movie pretty watchable is the martial arts fights. The fights are nicely choreographed, and are at a good pace. However, you can tell when the cast is replaced by stunt people in these scenes thanks to how they move when they are obviously wearing a harness and their faces are being hidden by the distance of the camera, a body part or a prop they are holding. The writing is not that good in this movie. The plot twists are poorly done in this movie, and they come across as confusing. Some of the characters who appear to be a villains turn out to be the good guys, and their turn completely escapes you. Another problem with this movie is that there is very little chemistry between the cast. Cook is obviously being carried by Rodman on-screen, and he is obviously trying too hard to be the comic relief. On the other hand, Sjoberg and Rodman are a bit better on-screen, but I had a little problem believing that they were a couple prior to when the film takes place because there was no spark between them. It only became obvious that the two were attracted to another when they jumped into bed while having another martial arts fight. Special effects in this movie is fairly typical. However, they really were cheap with the computer graphics in the villain's super computer screen. This movie was released in 1999, but it appeared that the super computer graphics were done earlier in the decade. I would suggest that you only see it for the fight scenes and, shockingly, Rodman.
Sweet Jesus God Almighty, what have we here! Who in their right mind would even come close to imagining such an awful movie? What did the people involved with this film think they were doing? Were they even thinking at all? Were their careers in such bad shape that they needed for this movie to be made? And even then, don't they have any decency or moral fiber to speak of? God help them all!
Sweet Jesus God Almighty, what have we here! Who in their right mind would even come close to imagining such an awful movie? What did the people involved with this film think they were doing? Were they even thinking at all? Were their careers in such bad shape that they needed for this movie to be made? And even then, don't they have any decency or moral fiber to speak of? God help them all!
It's not all bad. There is one reason to recommend it. It's shorter than "Double Team", the movie that Dennis Rodman made with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Double Ds! Dennis Rodman & Dane Cook!!!! Two people who need to die!
Not to be taken seriously. I mean that with all sincerity. If you do you will be apalled and possibly mentally scarred at how abhorrently and catastrophically bad this film is. I know I haven't been the same and I already see a shrink. (Note the 1/2 star rating). All you have to do is watch the first 15 minutes of this steaming dog pile and your brain will forever be rendered cottage cheese and films will forever be ruined...or at least until you pop in Ben Hur or No Country for Old Men and realize that cinema isn't dead...yet.
Awful thriller with degenerate acting.
In some alternate universe, people believed that using non-actor celebrities like popular musicians and actors was a sound idea and investment...oh wait, that's MY universe. After captivating audiences (note: sarcasm) with his debut in the Van Damme vehicle "Double Team", Dennis Rodman shows up to do more carefully choreographed kung-fu as Simon, a renegade Interpol agent (because they would totally hire someone that looked like him...right?) whose in the middle of an investigation until old acquaintance (played by a then unknown but still VERY unfunny Dane Cook) comes into town to settle a hostage negotiation with a briefcase carrying only a single disc that helps to program a massive laser gun that can destroy anything. Lots of PG-13 friendly action ensues as the European streets are filled with American good guys running around and beating up a bunch of bad guy Europeans. This movie goes beyond the boundaries of being ridiculous. Thank goodness Rodman's acting career never fully took off as well as director Kevin Elders never directing again, cause both these guys are turkeys! This film's only redeeming quality: it's enlisting of several comedians in supporting roles! Despite Cook being completely unfunny and dumb, he manages to appeal to a world of dumb people, who would probably somehow find his humor in this film still funny, despite how bad it is. Still, there's also the comedy relief in the form John Pinette (who I love!) and Ricky Harris, playing Micro and Macro, two technology-savvy, wise-cracking monks who provide this films only genuine laughs. Otherwise, Simon Sez is complete and utter trash.
Comment vous voulez defendre un truc aussi nul? En disant qu'on ne s'est pas ennuye pendant 80 minutes, bourre de gags minables, de cascades bien foutues, de FILIP des 2BE3 en actioner et DENNIS RODMAN en heros alors que c'est un tres mauvais acteur et DANE COOK en comique de service. Nul mais drole.
this may be the dumbest collection of nonsense ever! but i have to admit, i did not predict the car parachute. i guess this was before dane cook had his teeth fixed (and i suspect plastic surgery, too).